Coming Out as Queer or Trans to Your Parents - Two Tips

Tip #1: Recognize Your Autonomy

And realize that you are a sovereign been who has an inherent right to live, love and express in a way that is true to you. And remember that your personhood… or your capacity to think and feel and behave in accordance to your individuality… is something that nobody can take away from you. Not even your parents.


And the reason that embracing your autonomy is so important for the queer or trans person… is because of how easy it is to bypass our own truth and uniqueness… in favor of what is true for our parents. Which is an absolute travesty if you ask me. Especially when that bypassing causes us to turn away from our own beauty and to dim our own light.


So this tip is all about speaking your truth from that place inside of you which stands outside of the parent child relationship dynamic. And then leaning into your individuality, and your sovereignty… while expressing yourself with the recognition that its okay to be who you are. Even if your parents disagree, or don’t understand, or cant see you clearly.

Because your worth, and your truth, and your beauty… stands on its own. And doesn’t require anything from your family.

And no matter how much your parents think they know whats best for you. They don’t. They simply cant. Not when it comes to something as intimate and personal as your sexual, gender, creative, romantic, and relationship preferences. Because that is your domain… not theirs

So if you are able to come out to your parents while resting within your sovereignty… then your words are going to flow just a little bit easier, and you will feel just a little bit more courageous. Because you are encapsulating yourself within the safety of your individuality.

Which is a space that nobody else has permission to enter. Well, not unless you grant it to them. So another way to work with this tip is to gently, loving, yet firmly invite your parents ideas, beliefs, and traditions to return to where they came from. And that way, whatever is within your parents domain… gets to be over there. And then whatever is within your domain… gets to be in here with you.

So this tip is not only applicable to the specific coming out experience… but its something that you can continue to work with all throughout your exploration.


Because the nature of the self discovery process is a journey that is destined to take you beyond the parent child relationship dynamic. And it just so happens that coming out to your parents… is a monumental part of that process.


Which is exactly why I am encouraging you to invite your sovereignty into that conversation. Because that autonomous, self regulating primal intelligence is the very thing which is inspiring you to speak your truth, right? It’s that gut level, instinctual knowing that is so true and so real, that you really have no choice but to honor its existence.


So my advice with this tip is to let that primal force of nature do all the work. And to simply give in to your autonomy. And allow for that natural intelligence to speak through you. And if you can do that… then my sense is that you are going to feel noticeably more empowered, confident, and self assured as you speak your truth to your parents.

Tip #2: Involve Another Grown Up


And when I say grown up… what I mean is someone who is in the same general demographic of your parents. Meaning, they are not a peer… but instead… they feel like a grown up, in comparison to you.

So if you are currently a teenager or a young adult, then this person might be a friends parent, a teacher, or a coach, or a school counselor.. And if you are currently an adult, then this might be a coworker, or a neighbor, or someone in the community, or a therapist, or wherever else you find grownups nowadays. And obviously, this person needs someone that you can trust, and someone who you know accepts you.


And what I want you to do… is to simply make them aware of your situation. And let them know… hey, I’m about to come out to my parents… and this is a big deal for me. But I just wanted to give you this information… simply so that I’m not alone. And in case of emergency… would it be okay if I called you, or came to visit you… so that I can talk to you about the situation.


And thats it. Thats my tip. It’s a simple one… but it can make a huge difference in your coming our experience. Especially if things don’t go very smooth, and you walk away from the conversation with your parents, feeling rejected and hurt and misunderstood.


And the reason that I am specifically saying involve another grown up… as opposed to involve a friend, or a peer. Is because the theme of this conversation in particular… revolves around the child in you speaking their truth to a parent. And even though you are an autonomous being… like we already talked about… inevitably, the child in you is going to come forth when you share your truth.


And if that child get’s rejected… then you are going to be in a tough spot. Because where is a child supposed to go, if they can’t even talk to their own parents?


And if that happens to you… then it’s entirely possible that you will walk away from the conversation feeling spun out, heartbroken and traumatized… without knowing what to do next.


And that’s exactly why I’m suggesting that you involve a grown up. That way… you will have someone to turn, in case of emergency. But it’s not just anyone… it’s someone who already occupies a parental role in your life. And it’s someone who is aware of you, and what you are going through. And it’s someone who already accepts you… and has give you permission to contact them.


So all of that combined… is going to create a soft place for you to land. And it’s going to be a no brainer for you to call this person up and say hey, this is what happened.


And if this grown up has any iota of emotional intelligence, and compassionate awareness… then they are going to speak to you with a certain quality of grown up authority… which is pointed directly at the child who just got rejected. And they are going to comfort you. And remind you that you are beautiful, and that they are proud of you.


And while yes… a friend would also be a wonderful person to reach out to in this moment… my sense is that their words aren’t going to reach you in quite the same way as a grown ups would.


Because in that moment… the part of you who is in need of reassurance… is a child. And the medicine which that situation calls for… is the loving embrace of a parent. Or in this case… someone who is standing in… and temporarily filling that role.


Because if your birth parents cant be that for you… then the next best thing… is going to be a proxy, in the form of a grown up who you feel safe with. And like I said… if this grown up has the capacity to recognize the poignancy and the monumental importance of this moment… my sense is that they are going to love on you.


And they are going to do whatever they can… in order to stabilize that child in you. Because that child… is activating the parent in them. Which means that hopefully, they are going to instinctually know how to respond. And my sense is that they will walk away from the situation feeling incredibly grateful to you for trusting them. And for sharing yourself with them. Because they will recognize that they just helped a child in a moment of need. And to a grown up… that’s a really beautiful opportunity which feels like a total privilege.


So my invitation with this tip is to not be shy. And to not suffer the pain of rejection all by yourself. Because this world is full of kind and loving people… who are more than willing to be there for you. But the only way that happens… is if you have the courage to ask for help.


And now that you are little more prepared for a conversation with your parents… I want you to consider, whats the most important outcome that you could possibly align with in this coming out experience. And then watch this video, Because the answer might surprise you… and ill share a powerful orientation that will help you align with a quality that will help to ground and stabilize this entire experience for you. Not just with your parents… but with everyone you speak your truth to.


Alright, thats all ive got… ill see you in the next one.