The MOST Important Thing (Coming out as Trans or Queer)

Coming out as queer or trans is a big deal right? I mean, for some of us… this might be the scariest thing we’ve ever done up until this point in our lives. Especially if we are coming out to someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with us.


So quite naturally… as a way of preparing and protecting ourselves… we are going to look towards this coming out experience, and form all sorts of commentary about it. Such as… how we think it’s supposed to go. How we want it to go. How terrible it’s going to be. Or how liberating it’s going to be.


And usually what happens in these situations, is that we become so immersed in our personal storyline… that we end up engaging with the person we are coming out to… based off of whatever narrative is guiding us at the time. All because we aren’t able to recognize and step out of this secret personal-agenda mechanism which is operating in the background.

So for example… we might shade the truth, and be really soft about what we have to say. Because we don’t want to offend the other person. Or we might project and get super defensive because we feel attacked. Or maybe we get argumentative and blame the other person because its their fault that we are suffering. Or whatever flavor of self-protective coping mechanism chooses to present itself in the moment.

And while yes… all of these reactions, and emotions, and narratives are completely valid. And it makes total sense why coming out is so challenging for most of us.


But still… It’s important for us to recognize that we, as super-sensitive, closeted people… who are putting it all on the line… are inevitably going to bring a certain amount of baggage into each conversation. Justified baggage, of course… but baggage nonetheless.

And the thing that we don’t want to happen… is that our story, and our narrative ends up negatively impacting the conversation. And worse than that… becomes such a burden… that it weighs us down, clouds our vision, and overwhelms us to the point that we no longer are operating from a place of empowerment. And that is a trap which is incredibly easy to fall into.

Which is exactly why we need an orientation, or a value system, or a desired outcome that stands outside all that internal drama. And that’s what this conversation is about. Identifying a quality, which can ground and stabilize us throughout the coming out process… even, and especially if things get messy.


So what could that guiding principle be? What’s something even more important than our need to be approved of? Or to be totally embraced? Or our desire to have a fairy tell coming out story?


Well… my suggestion is that REALITY is the most important thing.

Or in other words…truth. The heart of the matter. Ground zero. That which is. And when it comes to a situation as monumental as coming out… reality is going to be your best friend.

So why is that? Well, because aligning with reality is the most effective way of clearly perceiving a situation straight on. And not only that… but when you recognize that reality is the desired outcome… and that what you want more than anything else… is truth… then you are able to let go of control… and allow for everyone else involved to be whoever they want to be.

And if you are aligned with reality… then when someone says something that hurts you, or reacts in a way that disrespects you… instead of taking that personally, and becoming crippled by the pain of the moment…

you can step back and recognize that your overarching priority… is to allow for this situation to unfold exactly as it’s supposed to.

And the reason that I am suggesting that reality is the most important quality to be aware of in your coming out process. Is because speaking your truth… and exposing yourself in this way… is totally polarizing. And it’s going to elicit strong emotions and reactions from nearly everyone who you come out to.

And if were to you take any of that on… by leveraging your center point and investing your emotions into the reactions of others… it would simply be too much to bare. Especially if you have a personal narrative, which is operating in the background and secretly imposing itself on the situation and expecting things to turn out in a certain way.


But the antidote to all of this, is of course… aligning with reality. And reminding yourself that hey… however it’s supposed to go… I want that. And however that person is supposed to react… I want that. And while no, it might not feel good… I recognize that truth is the theme of this moment.


And I realize that the reciprocal of me having the courage to express my truth… is my capacity to allow others to express theirs. Even if I don’t like it. And if ignorance and judgment is that persons truth in this moment… then thats what it is. And what is… is what I want.

Now of course… it’s important to realize that this world is full of people who are on our side. And who see the world like we do. And who recognize the beauty in our way of life. And when it comes to those kinds of people… coming out isnt really a thing right? Like it’s not a situation that is so charged and temperamental, that we to need consciously step outside of our personal narrative.

And in the same way… there are going to be people in your life that totally embrace you. And who celebrate you. And who radiate acceptance and compassion and excitement when you tell them your truth. Not because they necessarily care about you being queer… but simply because they recognize that you are being yourself.


And that you are taking steps towards a more truthful and authentic life. And from that perspective… they celebrate you for being you. And if that happens… then great. Thats amazing… but I if were you… I wouldn’t invest too much energy into trying to secure those kinds of positive reactions for yourself.


Because on the other side of the coin… are of course, the people who have beliefs, and judgements that cloud their vision. And get in the way of their ability to see you clearly. And it’s those kind of people that make this whole coming out thing really challenging for queer people. Especially when their drama interacts with your drama.


So it’s for those very situations… that the prescription of aligning with reality is going to be the most useful.


Why? Because like I said… coming out is an act of truth, which you are initiating. And in order to prevent yourself from trying to manipulate the situation, or deluding yourself, or lashing out at the other person… you need the kind of stability that comes from making the distinction in your mind… that no matter how this situation turns out… above all else, I want the truth. Not just for me… but for them.

And even if that truth hurts… you realize that a painful reality is pale in comparison to the pain of wanting reality to be something other than what it is. Right? So instead of wasting any of your energy on trying to change the other person. Or taking their drama personally… just see the situation for what it is. The truth of the moment.

So when I say that reality is the most important thing for you right now… what I’m implying, is that now is the time to go all in. And to completely expose the truth. Not just the truth of you… but the truth of everyone around you.

And that way… you will be able to come out on the other side of the situation, with a clear view of not only yourself… but of the everyone else who is in it. And you won’t be deluding yourself by thinking that things were supposed to go differently than how they did. All because you placed the emphasis of your coming out experience on exposing the truth.

And now, you know what’s what. And you have a much better idea about who is going to be joining you in your new world. But like I said, that isn’t going to happen if you try and drag them, or force them, or manipulate them into accepting you.


So my suggestion with this strategy is to hold your head high… say what needs to be said, with kindness and compassion. And then to leave it at that.

And then once you go through your shift… and you step out of the closet… the people who are supposed to join you will. And the people who aren’t, won’t. And you will be able to sleep soundly at night knowing that you are aligned with reality.


And now that you have a better idea about the importance of truth and reality for the trans and queer person, I want you to watch this video… because in it a share a powerful strategy that will help you to align all of your creative energies with the truth of your gender, sexual or romantic exploration.


Alright my friend, ill see you in the next one.