Coming Out to Your Partner as Queer or Trans - Two Tips

Tip #1: Speak from the Heart

And completely give yourself to the moment… without holding anything back.

So in my experience, speaking from the heart is something that happens when I let my walls come down, I surrender my personal agenda, and I let go of my desire to control the outcome. And instead of shading the truth, based on what I think the other person wants to hear… I just say what needs to be said.

Or more accurately… I allow for truthful, open-hearted communication to flow through me. And instead of focusing my attention on the words I’m saying… or the words I think I’m supposed to say. I focus on the space from which the words are coming from. And as the talking is happening… I am intuitively feeling my way along this thread of communication… and I’m sensing for opportunities to go deeper. To be more open, more vulnerable and more transparent.

And I recognize that in this moment… my objective isn’t to convince the other person of something, or to secure a certain outcome. Instead… it’s to expose myself. And allow for this other person to see the real me. Which is something that only happens if I am willing to be vulnerable, right?

So my suggestion with this tip is to communicate from that tender, soft place inside of you. And see if you can make the emphasis of the conversation less about what you are saying… and more about where you are speaking from. That way… in addition to saying what needs to be said… you will also be able to transmit all of those non-tangible and non-specific qualities of your truth.

Which is going to be an extremely important part of expressing yourself to someone that you love, and trust, and share deep intimacy with. Right? Because quite naturally, you want this person to see and feel you in way that goes beyond words. And you want them to have access to the parts of you which can’t be articulated with language, or encapsulated by labels.

So keep in mind that even though you are describing yourself using certain ideas and concepts, such as words like gay, or trans or queer… thats not actually the bottom line of the situation.

Because in reality these words are just clues… vaguely describing a part of yourself which can never be fully described.

And if you were to make the coming out process all about the description… and you were to explain and define and theorize… then your partner is going to miss out on the full story. And they are going to get caught up in trying to understand what you are saying… instead of meeting you on the inside of your truth. Which is the place where the words are coming from.

But of course… if you open your heart… and you allow for your truth to do the talking… then in addition to the words which are flowing through you… there is also going to be a stream of intuitive, non-verbal communication which will be resonating in the heart of your partner. And it will be speaking to them in way that draws them into your truth. Which like I said, is not located inside of the word trans or queer, right?

So keep in mind that speaking from the heart doesn’t even imply that you need to use words at all. Because the heart is capable of expressing itself via all sorts of different mediums. So you might find that your heart wants to express itself through art. Or through dance. Or through touch.

And you might find it helpful to ask yourself, or your heart something like… what wants to be expressed right now? And what do I need to do, in order to honor that expression. And then allowing for that question to guide your conversation.

So really, this tip is all about getting more intimately connected to your truth… and then finding a way to honor that part of yourself through the portal of an open heart. And the key here is leaning into your vulnerability. And using that soft place to guide the conversation.

But of course… fully expressing yourself and standing completely naked in your truth is only one side of the situation. And even though what you are doing is incredibly brave and beautiful, and you deserve to be completely embraced and validated in your truth… that isn’t always how it goes. At least not in the initial conversation. Because over here on the receiving end of your communication… is another human being, with their own thoughts and feelings… who is going to be having an entirely separate process to yours.

Which is what our next tip is about…

Tip #2: Give Them Space

And recognize that you coming out, and speaking your truth…is going to initiate a process for your partner. And that’s okay. And even though from your perspective, this moment is about you… it’s also important to recognize that from their perspective, this moment is about them.

And when you come out to your partner… it’s entirely possible that this conversation is going to activate all sorts of painful, angry, fearful, and frustrating emotions for them. And even though the two of you might share an incredible bond. And even though this is you… being more fully you. And theoretically… this is something that could bring the two of you even closer together.

Still… coming out might shift things for your partner. Either temporary or permanently. And in the moment… it’s probably going to bring up a lot of emotions for them. And they might feel disoriented, or even spun out by the whole situation. Especially if what you are coming out as… is totally unexpected.

And that’s why you need to give them space. Wether they ask for it or not. Emotional space. Energetic space. And possibly even physical space. That way… they will be able to go through whatever process comes up for them. Even if that means getting angry. Or getting scared. Or questioning everything.

And if they can sense that you are giving them that kind of permission… where they can just totally honor their process. And be completely honest about their wants and needs… then that’s going to set a precedent for the next chapter of your relationship. And it’s going to communicate to them… that you going forward… they are allowed to explore what feels truthful to them. Which happens to be the same thing that you are asking for.

But if you are coming on too strong. And leveraging the love that the two of you share… in order to achieve a favorable outcome for yourself… and you are smothering them… and guilt tripping them… and saying things like love is blind, and I thought you loved me for me type stuff… but you are doing it in a way that is manipulative… your parter is going to feel put off. And suffocated. And confused. And angry.

And another thing that is helpful to recognize is that when the two of you first got together… it was under the pretense of whatever your gender, sexual, romantic preference or presentation was at that time. And from your partners perspective… they said yes to a version of you who fulfilled a certain role within the relationship.

And the dynamic that was created based off of how your role interacted with their role… has understandably been an important part of how they relate to you. And it has probably contributed to the level of satisfaction that they get from being close to you.

So when your role shifts… and you grow and evolve… its going to quite naturally inspire a moment of introspection and reevaluation for your partner. Which means that now, it’s their turn to tune into what’s true for them. And to feel into the direction of their life and ask themselves if they want to grow and evolve in the same direction as you.

And the reason that I am making it such a point to highlight this other person’s perspective… is because I don’t want you… the person who is about to be so brave and vulnerable… to go into this situation blind. And to form all sorts of unrealistic expirations and fantasies about how this is going to go. And I don’t want you to unintentionally freak your partner out by demanding a certain reaction from them.

And instead I want you to recognize that you being yourself is the main point of this conversation. And then other than that… this is out of your hands, right? Because we cant control other people. And we cant force people to love you. As much as we would like to… thats just not how this world works.

But what you can do… is to get things going in the right direction, by speaking from the heart. And by setting the tone of the conversation, by holding space for a loving, compassionate coming together between you and your partner. And then if they want to meet you in that space… and share love with you… wonderful. But if they need some time to process, and to grieve… thats also wonderful.

Because at the end of the day… that’s just them getting more clear about who they are, and how they want to show up in this world. Which is the same the same thing that you are doing.

And now that you are ready to come out to your partner… the next step is getting ready to speak your truth to your family. And to your parents. Which is going to require a slightly different technique. So watch this video, and ill share a few tips about navigating that situation.

Alright, that’s all ive got. Ill see you in the next one.