When someone is living a life that they don’t relate to, or isnt going the way they want it to… one of the most common reactions to this series of unwanted experiences… is spending a lot of time fantasizing about a day in the future… when life is better. When things calm down, when clarity comes, and when the problems get resolved.
I remember when i was living this kind of a life… I would spend hours upon hours daydreaming about a better future. And at the time… this felt totally innocent. Like I was simply using my imagination to feel better during a challenging time.
But after a while of doing this… of getting lost in fantasies about a time in the future when all my problems were resolved…the reality of my life was getting worse and worse… and I was beginning to feel completely disconnected and lost. Kind of like I was being torn between two worlds, and was struggling to keep both my feet on the ground. And after a while… of getting ripped back and forth… between fantasy and reality… I started becoming aware of a pattern that I was playing into.
And what I realized… was that, underneath my seemingly innocent fantasies of a better future… was a much more serious problem.
I was actually using my imagination to escape my current reality and put myself into a trance… which was disconnecting me from reality. Not only that… but it was depleting all my natural resources and holding me back from the future that I so desperately wanted.
1And Instead of making me feel better… which is why I was fantasizing in the first place… I was actually compulsively reinforcing and perpetuating the nightmare of my current reality.
In other words… my day dreaming had turned into a coping mechanism, or a survival instinct that was numbing me, and preventing me from fully showing up to reality. And the reason I am making a blog about this… is because there are so many trans people who are either stuck in a life that they don’t relate to… or biding their time in some sort of a limbo space… waiting for that moment in the future when life gets better.
So if you can relate… and you feel like the idea of a better future, is distracting you, or possibly even shielding you from your current reality… then this blog is for you.
Because in it, I am going to share with you a simple strategy that will help you to break out of the trance of a better future… so that you can get back to reality, and start engaging more fully with the life that is right in front of you.
Okay, lets get into it
To begin this process… first, let’s just acknowledge what is happening. You, just like everybody else, are having dreams and visions about a life that you can sense is coming your way. You can feel all those incredible changes that you are about to go through. And you can sense all the growth and expansion that is in store for you.
And when you feel into that space… of that future moment… when you have figured it all out, crossed that bridge and arrived at that upcoming destination… It feels good. It activates all sorts of wonderful feelings. Creativity. Expansion. Freedom. Abundance. Success. You name it. Anything you want… it’s in that daydream.
Anything that you’re supposed to be, or have, or do… it’s in that future moment. And when you’re in the fantasy… that moment is here… because you can feel it, and you can sense it.
But at the same time… it’s not here. Because it’s not tangible. Other than a few good feelings, there is no substance to this place. It’s just a figment of your imagination. Always just out of reach.
And the contrast between what you’re reaching for… and what where you are reaching from… is the source of an incredible amount of suffering.
Because when you bypass the present moment… in order to live in a fantasy. The end result… is that you come back from that fantasy more and more disgusted with your current reality.
You cant help it… because in the fantasy you are this incredible person. You’re strong and capable and intelligent and your life is so inspiring. Your problems have evaporated, and your worries have vanished. And then when you come back… and compare that future person to the person you are today… and that future life to your current life…the contrast between the two generates all sorts of negative emotions. Fear, anxiety, dissatisfaction, frustration. You name it.
And over time… if you keep feeding into this habit…a huge gap starts to appear… between where you are, and where you think you’re supposed to be.
Which totally sucks. Because now… you don’t care about the small victories and you cant be bothered with the micro improvement that you can make today. instead… you are hung up on a version of life that is two years in the future.
And one of the most challenging parts of being trans…is that so much of this experience is about who we are becoming… in the future. this is something that we can all relate to.
How many times have you asked yourself questions like…What happens when I finally start my transition? What happens when I make it to that next surgery? What happens when I start to pass?
And we dream about how good these moments are going to feel. And how transformational they are going to be. And we can sense how wonderful that life is. And all those good feelings get activated. And then we come back to reality. And we realize that we haven’t even come out yet. We haven’t started hormones yet. We haven’t figured out how to dress. We haven’t changed our name yet.
And the walls start closing in… and we get more and more overwhelmed with where we are…because where we are is not where we want to be.
Over there… thats when life starts. But here… this is not me. I’m not the person who has a full beard by five o clock. I am not the person who has a masculine voice. I am not the person who has short hair.
And like I said… this huge gap starts to appear… between where you are… and where you are supposed to be. So, what do we do about this? How do we prevent this gap from overwhelming us? Or better yet… how do we prevent this gap from appearing in the first place?
Well, I have a simple strategy for you to try out.
But first, I want to mention that this blog as apart of the heal your relationship with gender playlist… which I created specifically for anyone who wants to cultivate a healthier and more balanced relationship with gender and creative expression. So if any of this resonates with you… then make sure to check out the other blogs in this category.
Okay, let’s get into the strategy… which is called… give up hope.
Giving up hope means living as if the current situation, is all there ever is, all there ever was… and all there ever will be
This means that future you is never showing up, you are never going to get that surgery and you are never going to come out. You are going to have a beard by five o’clock every single day, for the rest of your life. You are going to be awkward, uncomfortable, insecure, unsuccessful, too masculine, or too feminine, forever.
Now, I know this sounds absolutely terrible. I get it. But let me tell you… i’ve put this to the test… and it has drastically changed my life for the better. And I had more hope than anyone. But not anymore… because Ive experienced the benefits of exiting the fantasy and entering reality… and it feels amazing.
So let’s talk about this… Why would giving up hope, improve your life?
Well, the first thing to recognize… is that the future doesn’t exist. This moment turns into this moment which turns into this moment. Constantly, and forever. This is the natural law. Every moment dies into the next. Which means that the future, by definition… is never going to be here.
In other words… that person who you are becoming… quite literally is never going to show up. That future life that you can sense is just beyond the horizon…Is doomed to remain always… just beyond the horizon.
So you can give up hope of ever arriving at the future. Because it’s not going to happen. This life is always and forever right here, right now. Who you are, is who you are. This is it. The evolved, future version of you does not exist.
I know this sounds a bit harsh… especially for those of us who have developed a strong attachment to the future. So if you need a moment to grieve… I think that is totally understandable. I remember when this process of giving up hope… it was both totally liberating… but also really sad.
Because I had spent so much time and energy fantasizing about that future me. And when I realized they didn’t exist…it felt like I was loosing a part of myself. And I was. A dream within me was dying. And there was nothing I could do.
But as that dream began crumbling… slowly, a spaciousness started opening up. And to my surprise… I started to feel free.
I started to feel more bold, and more motivated. And I started realizing… why am I waiting for tomorrow… when I could be living for today?
And all of a sudden… my daily life become really intimate. Even though it was challenging, and scary, and downright terrible at times. I couldn’t help but become totally fascinated with what was happening right here in front of me. Because in my heart, I knew that this was it. This moment was all there was. and I started asking questions today. I started looking for solutions today. I started feeling my feelings today.
And instead of waiting for future me to swoop in a save the day…I started to be that person now. Not only that… but I started facing the pain, of not being where I wanted, and I started feeling things in this present moment.
I don’t like how I look… Im feeling that right now. Totally and completely…As if it’s here to stay. Without holding myself back, or escaping to a future moment when that feeling has gone away. I don’t like how deep my voice is. I feel that pain, right here, right now. Without any hope of it ever changing.
So if you don’t like that you’re trapped in your parents house, and they won’t let you transition. Feel that pain now, according to this moment. And allow yourself to fully receive the current reality. Whatever it happens to be. Good, bad, horrible, amazing… no matter what it is. Because this is all there is. So embrace it. Let it in. Give all of it permission to exist.
Letting go of the fantasy means fully occupying this life. This person. This body. Giving up hope means showing up fully for today.
Yes, pain and discomfort and anxiety, and problems are happening today. But guess what… solutions are also today. Peace, understanding and resolution is today
Progress, resourcefulness, creativity, productivity, intelligence, movement, change, all of this happens today. Processing your emotions happens today. Learning how to love and accept yourself happens today.
And the only way for you to get to where you are going… is by being here… and living this life. So my invitation to you is to show up fully for today, without any hope of it ever changing. Not because you are pessimistic or don’t think that things will ever get better. But because you are willing to meet this moment, and show up to reality.
And over time… if you practice this enough… you will start to realize that if you can stay connected to reality… you will have access to peace, love and satisfaction… even, and especially during the hard times. Which is a whole lot better than a fantasy if you ask me.
And if you are ready to start cultivating greater harmony with gender… then I recommend watching my video titled, a strategy for getting clear about your transition.
Because in it… I will share with you a powerful strategy that will help you fine tune your relationship with being trans… and start working towards a place that feels more clear and balanced.
Alright, thats all I’ve got in this one. Let’s talk soon.