Attempting to understand gender is quest that is doomed from the start… even for the most intelligent, progressive and open-minded gender explorer.
Sure, we may be able to describe it, and reference it, and tell stories about it. But at the end of the day… all words and ideas are going to fall short of the real thing. Because the bottom line… is that the true essence of gender…is beyond the conceptual mind.
So if you are searching for a better way of connecting with and relating to gender… then this blog is for you. Because in it… I am going to share a simple strategy that will help you transition out of the thinking mind… and into the feeling heart… where you will be able to intuitively sense and feel your way into the truth, or the essence of gender.
But before we get into the strategy… let’s take a step back, and briefly talk about why trying to understand gender falls short.
So the first thing to recognize is that gender is just a word. Right? It’s a concept. It’s an idea. It’s a symbol. And like all symbols… the word gender simply represents, or points to something that is beyond descriptive language.
In other words… the true meaning of gender, or the essence of what the word gender represents…is not found in words. Because the true meaning of gender… or that place which the word gender is pointing to… is beyond the conceptual mind.
Just like how the true essence of a tree, is not contained within the word tree. And no matter how scientific or intellectual you are… the truth of that tree is always, and forever… beyond words.
And when the mind sits down in front of a tree… and contemplates the meaning of that tree… or the truth of that tree… it is literally incapable of going to that place, and forming a direct connection with the heart of the tree. Simply because the true essence of the tree… is like I said, beyond the conceptual mind.
So when we, as queer people sit down in front of gender… and brainstorm, and theorize, and research, and contemplate… it’s crucial to recognize that the mind, as a discerning instrument… is not capable of forming a direct connection with the truth with gender.
In other words… the conceptual mind is always and forever going to be on the outside looking in. Using words, and ideas and concepts to point at the thing it’s looking at.
And the reason that attempting to understand gender is so dangerous… is because of how easy it is to fall into the trap, of thinking we know. That we’ve figured it out, and we’ve somehow captured that truth, and put it into a little conceptual box.
Which is really silly when you think about it. This is like assuming we know the forest, just because we can describe how this tree interacts with that tree, and we know the names of all the plant species… and we think that those words, and those ideas is what the forest is.
And not only that… but we can also get trapped in imposter syndrome… thinking that we need to fully understand gender in order to engage with it in a meaningful way.
This is like keeping ourselves from entering the forest… because we think that first, we have to learn about it. And we have to memorize all the correct terminology and be totally up to date with the latest theories and trends. And then, only after that happens… will we be able to connect with the forest in a meaningful way.
Which of course, couldn’t be farther from the truth… because when it comes to engaging with a forest, or with gender… the only thing that actually matters… is your earnestness. Or your heartfelt desire to connect, and to listen, and to come into harmony with the environment that you are exploring.
So that’s what I mean when I say stop trying to understand gender.
What I’m trying to point to… is the inherent limitations of relying on the mind, as your primary source of connection to gender.
And of course, I’m not saying that thinking about gender is bad… I’m just simply highlighting the fact that it’s not enough.
So instead of attempting to understand… my suggestion is to Come into Relation.
And that’s what our strategy is all about.
So the emphasis of this strategy begins with a recognition… that underneath your understanding of gender… is a relationship. Or a co-creative, back and forth, personal connection with gender. And quite naturally… the nature of that relationship is going to directly effect the mental perception… or the thought-based narrative about gender.
And not only that…. but underneath the desire to understand gender… which is the mind’s attempt to make sense of the thing it’s looking at… is something much more intimate.
And that is the desire to heal your relationship with gender… which is the heart’s attempt at coming into greater harmony with the thing it feels drawn to.
And in this case… that thing is the place that the word gender points to. Or in other words… the heart is longing to connect with that non-conceptual, intuitive feeling space that is waiting beyond your ideas about what gender is or isnt. And your key… to entering that place… is of course… your relationship with, or your connection to gender.
So this strategy… is all about first, simply becoming aware of the fact that you are in relation with gender. And then second… making an effort to bring that relationship into greater balance.
And if that is something you are feeling drawn to… then you should consider joining my email crash course… Rediscover Your Love for Gender in Six Steps. Because in it, I will share with you six transformational perspectives that will help you to reconnect to that primal passion and love that you have for gender.
And in addition to that email series… which is a great place to start. I also have a simple journaling exercise, which we are going to cover right now, in order to help facilitate this process of connecting to your relationship with gender.
Okay, in order to get in the right headspace for this prompt… first let’s take a moment to consider the nature of your relationship with gender.
There are past experiences, and hurt feelings, and frustrations, and traumas, and stories, and limiting beliefs, and desires, and longings… good feelings, bad feelings, good memories, bad memories…and a whole lot more.
All of it combining to create your personal connection with gender. Right? So let’s see if you can just feel your way into that space. Or into that non verbal, emotional, relative, place that represents your relationship with gender.
See if you can use your body as an instrument and your emotions as a guide, for working your way into this feeling space.
And then from that space, when you feel ready…I want you to do a journal entry…
And allow for your heart to express what this relationship feels like. See if you can give voice to this connection, or to this common ground that is resting underneath both you and gender.
And Instead of saying something like, this relationship sucks… or this relationship feels nice… I want you to get more specific. I want you to feel as deeply and honestly into this place as you can.
So, what about this relationship sucks? Or what about this feels nice? How does gender make you feel? What is the quality, or the tone of these feelings? Where are these emotions in your body? What are the physical sensations that you are feelings?
And your job, throughout this process… is to just stay present, and connected to your body. Allowing for your emotions to express themselves, and guide you throughout the process. And then when you feel like you’ve had enough… put down the pen… and gently, compassionately, lovingly remind yourself that you are safe, and it’s okay to be you.
And then get on with your day… but do so… with the intuitive recognition that this relationship, just like all relationships… can change. Even if it doesn’t feel good right now… that’s okay, because over time… if you tend it with love and compassion… it has the potential to blossom into something beautiful.
And thats why I created this email crash course, that I mentioned earlier… to help you along this process. So make sure you check that out. And you can also check out my playlist here on YouTube, heal your relationship with gender, for similar content.
Okay my friend… that all I’ve got in this one.
Let’s talk soon.